Thursday, May 18, 2006

Stop Commenting on What I'm Eating. Thanks.

Due to the fact that I work in an office composed primarily of chicks, I'm constantly being questioned as to what I'm eating. I assume this is due to the fact that I eat like a starving guy and remain in pretty good shape. The only other explanation is that they are passively requesting a bite. So, I offer. When no bite is accepted, I can only assume a severe case of accusatory meddling. But, what are the accusations? Here we go...

As a half-hearted disclaimer, I'd like to give my nosy colleagues the benefit of the doubt that their neverending inquiries are based on general curiosity, but this degree of prying is way too prevalent to be explained by a general interest in the human condition. Plus, I haven't once witnessed anybody else's dietary practices being called into question.

This was a common trend in the sorority I lived in for a year (before I ultimately quit) at Indiana University. Girls would eagle-eye other girls' plates to see what they were eating. Then they'd whisper about it to one another: "Oh my God, did you see what Melanie's eating today?!" Granted, since most of the girls there were essentially starving themselves or taking laxatives, a certain degree of commentary was certainly warranted. But, c'est la vie. That's their prerogative.

What I'm dealing with here, my friends, is the complete opposite situation. I'll admit it: I eat like a damn cow. Even my guy friends give me props, all having told me on separate occasions that I can out-eat them and out-drink them any day. And, it's 100% true. Thank you, but no applause. Okay, maybe just a little one.

But seriously, now that I've framed the picture for you, let's get back to the girls I work with:

  • The girl who sits behind me, for one, continually says, "Oh, I see you're eating again." To which, I reply, "Yep, I am. What's it to ya?" Not being the shy type, she tells me she thinks I'm bulimic. I, of course, take this as a compliment since I'm not, in fact, bulimic. Rather, I view it for what it is: an affirmation of her approval. Kudos to me. I've never been one to turn down a compliment... no matter what form it takes on.

  • The chunky girl who comes into my office and comments on my lunch daily (I pack my lunch to save my hard-earned dough, so I usually eat at my desk). Often I'm eating something smothered in melted cheese and sprinkled with lard, so I guess it's a fair question that renders justifiable curiosity ... ONCE.

    Her: "How can you eat that and stay so thin?"
    Me: "I do cardio 5 or 6 days a week, which basically makes it impossible to put on weight."
    Her: "I just don't believe that working out really takes the weight off."
    Me: "Okay. It doesn't."

  • The annoying girl who always happens to be in the kitchen area when I am (Why is it that every time I'm in the kitchen, you's in the kitchen too?!), takes liberty to look in my bag to see what I've brought for the day. "Oh my gosh, you brought a whole dried salami!" Then I catch her looking me up and down in my periphery, assumedly to see where it all goes.

  • The emaciated girl who is usually using the microwave to heat water for her herbal tea, while I'm waiting to use it to warm up last night's lamb chops for breakfast: "Oh my God, you eat the weirdest things for breakfast. That's so gross." Oh, I'm sorry. I don't remember asking your skeleton-ass your opinion. Did I miss something?
  • If I didn't have to see these people on a regular basis, my response would be something along the lines of, "I've made it 26 years with out your advice and I've done just fine, so..." But, unfortunately, I do see them on a regular basis, so my response is usually just unspoken annoyance.

    All four of these offenders have issues with the working out thing. Three of them proclaimed that they don't work out. The fourth didn't have to.

    Offender #1 told me she wanted to lose weight but didn't want to work out or eat less. I'm interested to see how that will work out for her.

    Offender #2 evidently doesn't believe in exercise

    Offender #3 claims that she hasn't worked out in years

    Offender #4 is one of those outdated waif people (who thrived in the eighties), and is way too brittle to work out. She doesn't have to admit it, but she would break under the pressure of lifting a 5 lb weight.

    My sister and I have this theory that you can stay in shape by doing one or two of the following things:

    1) Work Out
    2) Eat Less

    But, rarely can you stay in shape doing neither. I choose to work out and eat entire fromageries for lunch. If you don't like it, keep it to yourself. It's becoming annoying. Thanks.


    team gingerbread said...


    I totally don't miss that from working. Of course now that I'm underemployed, the judgement moslty comes from my roommates in the form of "have you moved from the couch since I left?"

    The answer is usually "Well I got up to go to the bathroom and make food if that counts"

    Gigi said...

    Oh, I get that one from my nightmare roommate as well.

    The answer to him is, "nope."

    the non-creepy guy said...

    Dear Gigi, you meekly wrote, "I'm constantly being questioned as to what I'm eating. I assume this is due to the fact that I eat like a starving guy and remain in pretty good shape," you modest wench. "pretty good shape." Ha! I know you can't keep a straight face when you say it, you little coke bottle.

    bufflo said...

    It's a good thing you eat like a cow since your bf is going to milk you to make cheese.

    Oh, and yeah -- girls who don't like to eat aren't attractive.

    Anonymous said...

    You rule.

    Cherokee said...

    Ha, I'm constantly getting criticized on my diet.. mainly consisting of one meal a day and about a 6 pack of Dr Peppers... and an occassional bowl of ice cream or slice of cheesecake or bag of Hersheys Kisses...

    When they do say something stupid, I tell them about my last Dr Appointment.. My blood count and pressure and all that was perfect and the Doctor told me to keep doing whatever I was doing cause it was working for me, so ... I'm just following the Doctors orders...

    Pappy said...

    "Oh my gosh, you brought a whole dried salami!"

    Oh I see you brought your "toy" to work!

    Maulleigh said...

    My co-worker had a tasty-looking dish today so I commented on it and she asked me if I'd like some. I told her no but how awkward would that be for her to scrape off her plate some small amount for me. yeah; women are crazy about eating and weight, but it's men who make us do it. the worst thing in the world is to be fat. Have you read rants and raves lately? It's crazy!!

    badmammajamma said...

    I am a rare breed, indeed. I know that I am somewhat of a fat ass. However, I like to eat and I don't like to exercise. Honestly, I'm a happier gal now than I was when I was thinner, but worrying about every morsel that went into my mouth and exercising 6 days a week.

    P.S. All those people that lose their pregnancy weight and say "Oh, I just lost it by running around after the baby all day" are lying whores.

    Gigi said...

    Bufflo - Hilarious, as usual!

    Non-Creepy guy - I know where you live. Fear me.

    Anonymous - We're going to get along just famously!

    Cherokee - You remind me of one of those ladies that adoring family members speak of in memory, "My grandma, Cherokee, lived until she was 154 years old and smoked 4 packs a day..." I've always loved soulfull tales of heroism.

    Pappy - We've missed you as of late, but why the cliche response? Come on, you've got more creativity than that, don't ya?

    Maulleigh - Your actions are hardly offensive. There's definitely a difference between telling someone that their food looks good and telling them that it looks "gross! How can you eat that?" And then simultaneously asking for dieting advice?

    BMJ - You're so my hero! As long as you're not on a quest to lose weight and you're not judging me, no judgment is passed. After all, a little junk in the trunk is all the rage these days...