Monday, May 15, 2006

My Guilty Conscience, Broken.

I don't know what it is, but I've been cursed with a guilty conscience. People often ask me if I'm Catholic because of my tendency to say I'm sorry when I've done absolutely nothing wrong. It's a sick habit actually, like I'm publically repenting for nothing whatsoever just to change the subject. I'd prefer to take blame for something rather than get caught up in an argument that has no right or wrong answer. "Fine, you can be right. I'm sorry," is one of my famous lines. It tends to piss people off because they want to keep arguing. So, I guess you could say it works out well. On the other hand, I'm just too nice sometimes. I start thinking, 'Hey, maybe I was wrong. Have I considered all angles of the situation? Maybe there's something I don't see from so and so's perspective." Well, the ol' conscience started sneaking up on me last night, but I stopped it in its tracks. Not this time, buddy.

For some reason, I actually started feeling bad about how I've been talking about my roommate. Maybe I'm being too harsh? Maybe I'm not being sympathetic to his situation? I started feeling sorry for him and his inability to lock down a job. I started empathizing with him, thinking about how I would feel if I was low on money and couldn't find a job. But then it occurred to me that I didn't have a job for 2 months when I moved here, and not once did I consider this grounds to be a rude, condescending asshole to anyone. I was as pleasant as a lotus flower on the Nile in the spring time (summer?). Either way...

Shortly after my self-induced and shortlived guilt trip, I began talking to his girlfriend about my future replacement. My roommate is taking my small room, so I warned her about that as well. It is too stuffy. One of our "applicants" is a med school student. She said she thought that was good because he would be locked in his room all the time, not out in the living room a lot [like me]. I told her that she'll see that it's impossible to stay in my little room all the time since there's no ventilation. Plus, I don't have a TV. It became obvious right there that El Diablo had been complaining about me being in the living room too much. What a dick. I felt the compulsion to apologize for being around all the time, but stopped the feeling in its tracks. I pay over $1,200/month (there, now you know...) to live there. I'll sit on the couch all day if I feel like it. I ventured off into my room at 9:00, vowing not to come back out until this morning.

Good thing too, because, at this point, he started arguing with his girlfriend in front of me about nothing in particular (I think it was about what they would eat for dinner, actually - because that always necessitates a heated argument).

That said, I still hate him. Maybe even more so than I did originally.




5 comments:

bufflo said...

The prospect of living in Manhattan is to me like having the perfect girlfriend, meaning: At the moment, I can't afford the kind of girlfriend I'd like to have. I want something classy, something expensive, sparkly, cold yet velvet soft. So the space/coolness/cost-ratio of Manhattan will never reel me in, until the day I can afford the prime rib; the ass of all butts.

As for guilt. It's overrated. Never let guilt be your guide, only true and unselfish love. (And money, of course.)

badmammajamma said...

Hey, Gigi, I hate to be a stickler, but I'm pretty positive you meant to say a guilty "conscience", not a guilty "conscious". Anyhoo. JESUS!!! I can't believe you pay that much rent!!! That makes me almost puke. For $1200 a month here, you could get a 3 bedroom house. Crazy. Oh, and make sure that short-lived guilt trip stays short-lived. Your rommate's an asshole.

Gigi said...

Oh goodness. Thanks BMJ. I can't believe I made that mistake! That's almost as bad as confusing effect and affect.

If you all find more mistakes, let me know. I hate making mistakes and I've found quite a few lately.

It's all my roommate's fault. I don't know how that works out, but ultimately it makes the most sense.

Cherokee said...

1200 dollars a month for an apartment that you share with someone? Jesus.... I pay that much on my mortgage payment each month on my 3 bdrm / 2 bath house...... Next time I say I want to get out of Texas, remind me of what rent is elsewhere in the world...

Gigi said...

Yes, yes - I pay way too much in rent.

Hopefully what I pay here will be similar to my mortgage payment when I move to Chicago next year.

Trust me though, I can't afford it by any means...