Dear [my roommate's name here],
You and your girlfriend (who is way too good for you, by the way) are having problems. This is because, quite frankly, you are an asshole. She told friends that she feels like she's 'walking on eggshells' around you and that you're being a "dick," yet she doesn't want to hurt you by breaking up with you. I hate to say it, but I indeed let out a big "Uh hem, I told you so" cough when I heard the news. You see, I've been explaining your attitude problem to our mutual friends for a while, hoping it would get back to her. I casually mentioned the way you pretend you're playing with your cellphone at a bar and accidentally let it graze a girl's ass, only to then blame it on the phone. Ha ha. That is so clever [Read: That is so clever when you are 12]. How smart of you to be able to get a cheap feel like that!
You reminisce aloud about the days when you had an annoying 19-year old Jap from Long Island after you. You actually hated this girl when you were hanging out with her and tried to ditch her at every chance you could get, but now, when friends are around, you brag about the fact that a 19-year old wanted you in a "those were the good old days" sorta fashion. My god, her shrill voice was the most annoying thing I had ever heard. She actually said, "Wow, your apartment is, like, so mature," when she walked into our place. I won't even get into the chick you dated before her. She was completely heinous and totally irritating. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure why you guys weren't more compatible? Food for thought...
But back to your current girlfriend, I actually started hating her for a bit. Not only because she put up with your pompous attitude, but because she perpetuated it by sitting tight-lipped when you humiliated me in front of her and my friend, yelling "Your hair is all over the floor in the bathroom. I'm not kidding when I say you need to clean up." [Fuck you for that, by the way. You are neurotic and your faults sooo far outweigh 'hair on the floor']. I hated her for that and for the fact that she is always over. That brings me to the reason I am writing this letter.
Now that you two are having problems, you are never gone. Yesterday I gave quite a bit of thought to the situation, trying to debate which scenario is most bearable:
Down Side: You and her at the house, constantly. You two lounging on the couch, eating macaroni and cheese with twist-off top Chardonnay, watching Jesus versus Juda documentaries. Me having to schedule my morning showers around both of yours.
Up Side: You are gone occasionally; either spending the night at her place, or at least, going out during the evening - sometimes not returning until I am asleep.
Down Side: You are always home
While this situation no doubt presents me with a double-edged sword (because if I ever have to be in the same room with you, I am essentially cursed), I'm begging you to lose your attitude and apologize to your girlfriend. Whatever you are fighting about is no doubt your fault. On top of that, you offer her nothing and she's willing to accept that. She offers everything and you turn her down.
Hell, you've never been that smart anyway. Just sleep on it, okay? We'll talk about it over my eggs and my bacon and my coffee tomorrow (In other words, yes - I know you are eating my food). Until then...
I hate you,