Friday, May 26, 2006

The Answer is "No."

The Questions are:

"I'm out with some of my marine friends. You and your friends should come out and meet us for drinks."
"Hi, my friends and I are really desperate and, although the single chick to single dude ratio in Manhattan is an astounding 2:1, we're reserving this prime meat just for you (oh yeah, and for your friends)." Oh, please. Can I?

"Why don't you smile, girl?"
Why must random guys always ask me this when I'm walking down the street? Really, what's their motive? Is it a pick up line? I don't get it. There are a million reasons I'm not smiling okay, asshole? One of which is because there are no clowns and trapezists performing on 28th and Park this afternoon. And if you're really wondering, I just got raped. Thanks for asking.

"It is what it is - you know?"
No, I don't know. What the hell is "It is what it is" supposed to mean? Every time I hear that I can't help but think that somebody's been reading a little bit too much "Tao of Poo." This phrase is, by far, the sorriest excuse for a philosophical solution to a problem for which the speaker simply has no other answer. Furthermore, everyone who utters these annoying 5 words is completely mediocre. My roommate uses it All. Of. The. Time. The worst thing about it is that when said mediocre human being uses it, he or she does so as if having just reached a point of enlightenment. There is no rebuttal that can refute this logic: "I have spoken. It is what it is."

"Did you like the statue of Britney Spears giving birth?"

bufflo (12:22:19 PM): what did you think about that statue?
gigi (12:22:51 PM): what statue?
gigi (12:22:56 PM): oh, britney?

bufflo (12:23:33 PM): yeah
bufflo (12:23:38 PM): doggy style
gigi (12:23:46 PM): she got a C-section, so i thought it was idiotic
gigi (12:24:26 PM): someone just wanted to draw attention to their work, but couldn't do it on their own, so they used britney's fame. How droll.

I hate everybody. Please refrain from speaking to me anymore.


badmammajamma said...

Well, this would normally be a man's domain, but since bufflo and a concerned fan seem to be MIA, I'll take this one.

Are you on your period? Or will you be? In a few days?

Ben said...

Yowza, badmamma.

1) It's flattering to be invited to a sausage party (although you should still politely decline, or tell them you might show up so they keep their hopes up).

2) It's a line. And a bad one.

3) A very annoying phrase, indeed. I think it's original intent was to state that someone is making more of something than reality suggests. Unfortunately, it caught on with people who often don't understand the complexity of anything. So naturally, everything is what it is to them.

4) I'm going to make a poop-sculpure of Madonna posing as the virgin Mary. That should generate enough trash publicity to set me for life.

team gingerbread said...

I get the why aren't you smiling crap at work all the time, my response is somewhere in the neighbourhood of "Bitch, I've worked here for almost three years and I still make less than $8/hour", "Uh, because I'm at work, and I have to deal with stupid questions like this for minimum wage", or my personal fave "Because I don't get paid enough to care"

badmammajamma said...

I do hate that smiling question. Another variation that I get sometimes is "Cheer up. It's not that bad!". This irritates me like nobody's business. What, just cause I'm not actively smiling all the time, that means I'm in some dark abyss of a depression? Can you imagine how weird everyone would like if they just went around smiling ALL THE TIME?????

bufflo said...

As I told GeeG, if you're a girl and want to be left alone, the best answer to the smiling comment is: "I need to take a shit real bad."

Chad said...

It's cool, Gigi. We really hate you too. Three of us are only here to witness, front row, the ultimate psychotic break down that we all know is coming. I keep popcorn at the ready for that glorious day! It will be a sight for the record books;)

Two of us are being paid by your family to comment because they know it does the body good, like a fresh dose of crack.

The rest just stumbled on here because they googled "flag pole", "Oral Sex", "Cheese Spread" and "Marines".

Don't hold that shit back, Girl. Grab it by the balls and twist! "How do you like my fucking smile now, Jack-ass?!"

...and what is up with a Britany Statue. Seriously? What on earth does a bear head and doggy style have to do with her delivery. They better put that shit on the internet. I'm going to be pissed!

Don Quixote De Malta said...

the youngsters of these days...such a rude lowly bunch, that don't know how to treat a fair maiden!

Ma'am should I impale someone for you?

Gigi said...

BMJ and Ben - I like your style. Not on my period, just sick of those things.

Team Gingerbread - your little cupcake icon is making me hungry.

Bufflo - as always, the voice of wisdom.

Chad - always taking things a bit too personal

Don Quixote de Malta - Welcome aboard my charming prince.

Chad said...

I cried that night.