Thursday, June 14, 2007

One and a Half Eyebrows

This chick totally feels my pain

I saw a segment on the Today Show this morning about a judge who is suing his dry cleaning shop for $54 million because they destroyed a pair of his fave pants. Of course, the bastards denied it because dry cleaners are shady as hell.* They claim that he brought the pants in with red and blue marks all over them as if maybe he was dense enough to forget that, no, he actually did not. On the other hand, the $54 million dollars is a bit steep. I was thinking more along the lines of $200 for the pants and some additional money for the "emotional pain and suffering" and legal fees. Obviously, he won’t get the $54 million and if anything it makes him look psychotic, but evidently there are tons of loopholes in the law that support consumers' rights. He's calculated the loopholes and clearly they add up to 54 mil—which has me thinking…

Today I went to get my eyebrows waxed. When I left, I realized that the girl took off a whole half of my right eyebrow. If this guy can get $54 million for some pants, I wonder what I can get for a distorted brow? Now, I know what you're thinking: "Your eyebrow will grow back." But 'tis not so. I spent years harvesting that beautiful eyebrow (RIP). In fact, my old eyebrow waxer in San Diego would always give me tips on how to get it to grow. "Rub orange and citrus fruit skins on it. That make it grow.” She would massage my eyebrow to provoke the follicles. She would compliment my eyebrow whenever I brought it in, talking to it regularly like some do their plants to make them grow. She was there as my eyebrow matured from a young girl into a grown woman. My eyebrow finally graduated right around the same time that I moved to New York. Now, like an Alzheimer’s Patient, she has deteriorated significantly and I’m looking for revenge.

I will explain to the judge that without my half of an eyebrow, I will no longer be able to “raise my eyebrows” in disgust or surprise. If I only raise my left full eyebrow, I’ll look suspicious even if I’m really trying to express excitement. This could have quite a few scary implications, the resulting emotional duress of which will be quite expensive. I’m thinking, oh, $54 million, give or take a few. It’s my right as a consumer to seek full compensatory and punitive damage. Plus, last time I went to that shop and got a pedicure, they hardly removed all of the rough skin from my feet. Talk about incompetence.

*Speaking of shady dry cleaners. I overheard a girl talking to my dry cleaner (who, if you remember, thought the Skeeze was my boyfriend and subtly asked him about that guy I was with—Dave—to get me in trouble) about a broken window in her apartment. The dry cleaner’s sister cleans this girl’s apartment. When doing so, she broke a window. The girl was asking for the dry cleaners to compensate her for only half of the damage, but they wouldn’t hear any of that nonsense. They should be gladly paying for all of it! I need to let this girl know about the class action suit going on for a pair of pants and a half an eyebrow. She could get in on it for her damn window.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Slutty Cats; Imaginary Friends

This line was actually used by my cousin’s friend’s friend:

“I can’t come into work today because my cat got raped.”

This, of course, launched a very important debate as to whether cat rape really exists. Isn’t rape the modus operandi in the animal kingdom? Cat sex is not generally spawned by a romantic moment or extensive wining and dining. There are no cat internet dating sites where cats can stalk out their next victims. Cats do not engage in foreplay, wear jewelry on their genitals, or use toys.

Yes, yes, cat rape jokes are now the norm over on upper Amsterdam Ave. [“Sorry I can’t hear you; I’m raping your cats.” “I would totally go out tonight but I think I’m going to just stay in and rape the cats.”]

Despite sharing different opinions on some aspects of cat rape, we’ve come to at least one unanimous conclusion: It was probably that sluttly little cat’s fault...wearing a mini skirt and pumps out late at night. Sheesh, the bitch was askin' for it.

In non-cat-rape-related news (and because I have nothing better to do with my time) (and because I've resorted to quoting funny things said by friends of friends of my cousin), I’ve come up with my dream team of girl friends. My few current girl friends are way too conservative. Or maybe I’m just too raunchy. Whatever it is, it’s not working out. I need girlfriends, if only because I no longer want to be that cliché chick who only hangs out with guys, or even more, because I want some girls to call on when some loser asks me, "So, where are all your hot friends?"

The problem is/was that I can’t/couldn't find any girls as obnoxious as me. That is, until now:

Sharon Osbourne: Discussed Gene Simmons' wife's snatch in a
public forum.
Katie Price (of show, Katie and Peter): Has two personalities: Katie and Jordan.
Nicole Richie: For being generally rude and disrespectful; refusing to eat.

They could all pay for my drinks too.