Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Slutty Cats; Imaginary Friends


This line was actually used by my cousin’s friend’s friend:

“I can’t come into work today because my cat got raped.”

This, of course, launched a very important debate as to whether cat rape really exists. Isn’t rape the modus operandi in the animal kingdom? Cat sex is not generally spawned by a romantic moment or extensive wining and dining. There are no cat internet dating sites where cats can stalk out their next victims. Cats do not engage in foreplay, wear jewelry on their genitals, or use toys.

Yes, yes, cat rape jokes are now the norm over on upper Amsterdam Ave. [“Sorry I can’t hear you; I’m raping your cats.” “I would totally go out tonight but I think I’m going to just stay in and rape the cats.”]

Despite sharing different opinions on some aspects of cat rape, we’ve come to at least one unanimous conclusion: It was probably that sluttly little cat’s fault...wearing a mini skirt and pumps out late at night. Sheesh, the bitch was askin' for it.

In non-cat-rape-related news (and because I have nothing better to do with my time) (and because I've resorted to quoting funny things said by friends of friends of my cousin), I’ve come up with my dream team of girl friends. My few current girl friends are way too conservative. Or maybe I’m just too raunchy. Whatever it is, it’s not working out. I need girlfriends, if only because I no longer want to be that cliché chick who only hangs out with guys, or even more, because I want some girls to call on when some loser asks me, "So, where are all your hot friends?"

The problem is/was that I can’t/couldn't find any girls as obnoxious as me. That is, until now:

Sharon Osbourne: Discussed Gene Simmons' wife's snatch in a
public forum.
Katie Price (of show, Katie and Peter): Has two personalities: Katie and Jordan.
Nicole Richie: For being generally rude and disrespectful; refusing to eat.

They could all pay for my drinks too.

1 comment:

Mrs. W said...

I can ask my dog if she needs her cooch cleaned and she follows me around until I do it. Animals can be consensual.