Tuesday, May 23, 2006

T-10 hours (and so a new religion is born)

Where T = Time, in relation to my visit to Artisanal. In case you don't recall from last week, it is at Artisanal that I will meet the *cheesemaker* who my sister will be strategically cohabitating with in effort to further perpetuate our new business venture (to be explained).

D is in town for the occasion because he takes business matters such as this quite seriously. Cesar will be around as a neutral buffer in case the cheesemaker has an impenetrable pokerface and tries to pull something shifty. You see, Cesar is not daunted by impenetrable pokerfaces so his presence is uniquely instrumental. As a further explanation of my sister's position, she has been planted into the situation as a live-in representative slash non-Russian, yet still Russian, spy of D and I's rare cheese plant. In the meantime, I will work with my small group of followers to draft up the rest of our church slash business plan.

"How," one might ask, "do cheese and religion come together as a business venture?" A good question indeed. So far, we have the following answers and ideas:

1). From Ben (who has since been sired a bishop slash marketing executive):
Why not tie the cheesemaking business into your religion to dupe people? You could make millions from the cheese, and millions more by attaching it to religion. Think about it: Whoever the central character in your bible is could break cheese instead of bread to feed the thousands, it could be offered as communion! Cheese instead of the dry, tasteless wafer (and think how well it would go with the wine!), and it could be marketed as God's Cheese! [Editor's note: Brilliant! This is similar to "Kabbalah Water," but way better.]

By the way, once you bang out the kinks in your newfound religion, if you need a random public spokesperson to spread the 'good word,' I'd be willing to contract my services. We can work out the compensation details later, but I will say I'd expect a royalty of all incoming tithing, and all the cheese I could possibly eat.

2). From Badmammajamma (also an equal business partner who will work in production slash "belief development"):
Hey, Gigi, can I get in on the ground floor of this whole venture? It's highly possible that I'm pregnant (not positive just yet) and if I am, I'll be lactating like a mofo in the not too distant future. I'll definitely produce a different flavor of cheese. You know, a mild, easily melting, salty cheese. Since I live in the South and all, and apparently everyone from the South is very laid-back or "mild" and everything down here melts easily. Plus, I'm one salty bitch.

3). Random Thoughts (provided by the high-priestess slash C.E.O. - me!):
Any new religion needs missionaries to spread the good word. This is where Chad and Bufflo will come in. Morris will be the creator/cause of evil, for every religion must offer something that invokes fear in its followers. The wrath of Morris, for example, will be the threatened punishment for dissenters who fail to pay us our commission, I mean, "tithing."

4). Ben's Rough Proposition for Propagating the Initial "Good Word":
Sure, we need some sort of propaganda spouting machine. We can steal ideas from already established religions, but we probably need to come up with some of our own.

The Mormons seemed to have the most clever way of founding their church and make it impossible to refute. I think we should take their lead:

J Smith: "God spoke to me, he lead me to the tablets of the TRUE word of God!"

Townspeople: "That's great, John. Let's take a look so we can all truly understand!"

J Smith: "Uhhh, actually God said that only I am allowed to see them, and that I'm supposed to lead you. It's just as well, because they are written in a magical language that only I can read thanks to this handy-dandy looking glass the Lord provided me with."

Townspeople: "Oh...um...ok. Can we at least see the looking glass?"

J Smith: "No. Enough talk. Let's go to Utah. Oh, and God said I could also have 7 wives. I'll take you, you, you...ummm, you, you...Let's see, that's 1,2,3,4,5,...two more...two more...ummm, you there, and you...in the back...with the blue dress on...no, not you...her. Yes, her. That's the one. Alright, lets roll!"


And with that, I will begin scripting our Mission Statement; our Plan of Execution, Marketing Strategy, Competition, Executive Structure and our 3-year budget forecast. Any foresight you can provide in regards to the streamlining of our religion slash business would be much appreciated.

And, as for the Cheesemaker who we are pulling into this thing blindly, does anyone get any bad "vibes" from his mention? I just need to make sure we only have pure and holy people in this venture. I have a good feeling about him as long as he keeps his nose clean and doesn't ask too many questions.
That is so not what he is here for.


bufflo said...

You should print this out and send it to your mom. She would be so proud.

Gigi said...

Yes she would. In fact, she was the first to convert!

T-2 hours!

badmammajamma said...

So, when do we get paid? A sista is broke.

Ben said...

Wow, a Bishop already! I can't wait until I make Cardinal!

Gigi, it's your baby, so once we have a mission statement, I can really get going. Were you going to author the 'bible' or will it be a complilation from all of us, like the new testament? By the way, what are we going to call it. The bible has already been taken. I forget what the mormons call theirs.

Koran and Torah are gone too. We'll have to think up something cool (and i might suggest cheese-related).

We're totally going to score a ton of cash from stupid people...errr...worshipers that we save.