Friday, June 30, 2006

Old Roommate Still At It: A Juicy Update

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Seeing as how my cousin is bestfriends with The Diablo's* girlfriend, I still get the occassional update on him. Call me a bitch or call me bitter ... Either way, this morning's batch was a doozy. A doozy, I say!

What I have recently learned (and, if your ears are virgins, you may want to skip the first entry):

1). He is hung like a damned horse.
Or, so says his girlfriend, and I guess she would know. This really explains a lot in terms of his attitude. Guys with big tools tend to think they can get away with murder, but this is not without warrant. Girls who date these guys tend to perpetuate their attitudes because they're addicted. "You can treat me however you want as long as you keep bringing that thang home to mama." When you weigh the options (shitty personality versus horse schlong) the latter tends to weigh a whole hell of a lot more. Literally. And, just like that, The Diablo's biggest character flaw ever —his entire personality—has now been justified.

2). His New Roommate is Already Moving Out.
I couldn't have planned this revenge better myself. Karma is such a bitch and I envy her smooth ways. The new roommate was a nice girl from England. Supposedly one of her bestfriends is moving to NYC from England and they are going to move in together... A likely excuse, indeed. Right when I heard it, I knew: She can't stand The Diablo. I threw my hands up in the air, "Hey, I did my part."

3). El Diablo begs his Girlfreind to Move in with him.
Now that he's again without a roommate, The Diablo has asked his girlfriend to move in with him. Just as I do, the girlfriend has a "No Living with the Boyfriend" Policy. Thusly, she declined. In true Diablo fashion, he responded: "Well maybe you're not ready to be in this relationship if you're not ready to move in with me."

I don't know if pretending to drop your cellphone to touch a girl's ass qualifies as a sign of devotion to your current girlfriend, Diablo, but I'd say that her dedication to you is tenfold that of yours, whether or not she moves in with you. It's only been 6 months, psycho.

And, last, but sooo definitely not least:

4). The Girlfriend Is Grabbing Her Horse by The Balls and Breaking Up With Him:
You heard it here first, ladies and gents. This girl has come to grips with reality and is officially set to break up with the bastard. She doesn't know the half of what an asshole he is, because I opted not to tell her (although I did tell her friends, hoping they would). In my opinion, he'd shown his true colors without any help from me, i.e. she had reason to break up with him despite lacking access to my deep well of proprietary information (Information such as his blunt desire for other girls, etc...).

They are going to visit his family this weekend in the Midwest and according to my highly credible source, the girlfriend doesn't want to. She'll probably break the news to him after that. As you know, I'll gladly fill you in...

*If you haven't been keeping up with my Roommate rants, you can catch up by clicking on "I Hate My Roommate" in my new categories section to the right


Morris said...

It sucks to be that guy!

A Concerned Fan said...

Horse cocks aren't all that good. Sometimes when you don't fit, it's like trying to stuff a sock in a keyhole. Mmm...keyhole minges.

Ben said...

Yeah, in hindsight, when given the choice to be too big or too small, I'd rather be too small. It might not be as pleasant for the girl, but you'll still hit a homerun...every time.

Too big has the complications concerned spoke of. And women complain of lockjaw, so BJs are out too. Your only hope is to find a former porn star or someone else who's worked hard enough to take it. Which I suppose has it's benefits too.