Thursday, June 01, 2006

And To Think - I Thought Moving Would Once and For All Free Me From The Diablo

So last night, right before I was about to leave the office to meet up with the girl who is taking my old room at the Diablo's den, I get an IM from the Diablo himself. He was checking to see if I was coming over to his place to meet with her (to grab our checks and give her the keys, etc...). I told him I was going to instead meet up with her in Midtown because I had plans later, i.e. I don't want to see you. All of the sudden, the diablo decides he wants to meet with her and me as well.

Does he not he realize that I had spent the whole day choreographing this "meet-up" so that I could avoid going to his house? I wanted to be on neutral territory: Non Diablo-infested neutral territory.

20 minutes later

So, here we are standing on the street together waiting for the new roommate, pretending that we like eachother and have common interests: "How was your weekend?" "How's the new place?" "How's your girlfriend?" "How's D?" You know, those kind of things.

Finally the girl shows up, I get my deposit money, I hand over the keys, I pretend I like the Diablo just to seal the deal and I'm off. Not too bad at all.

3 hours later

Evidently my ringer was on silent because when I got home from drinking my obligatory dirty Sapphire martini, I had missed 2 calls from the Diablo. This, and a text message that said, "Call me!" Right at that moment, my phone rang again and it was his number. My first thought was that the girl's check bounced or she decided against moving in. When I picked it up, I found that I was talking to the Diablo's girlfriend (from here on out: "D.G.") who said they had a mini emergency...they were locked out. Well, schucks - I just gave my keys to the new girl. Sorry.

The Diablo's girlfriend - upon the Diablo's instruction in the background - asked me if I could call the new girl to have her come let them in.

Me: "Why don't I just give you her phone number?"
D.G.: "I don't have a pen. I can't write it down."
Me: "Fine. I'll call you back."

So, I called the new girl, but her phone was off. I called back to tell D.G. this and she asked me to keep trying. I said no. It was just ridiculous and they were being lazy.

D.G.: "Well, do you have any other ideas on how to get in?"
Me: "I just gave you our spare key the other day."
D.G.: "Yeah, it's at my house."
Me: "You could climb up the fire escape."

This is the only option they had, really. It wasn't such a bad one either considering they'd only have to go up 2 floors. D.G. told the Diablo this idea and I seriously heard him in the background huffing slash yelling this comment:

"Tell her I'm not going to climb up the fucking fire escape."

Oh, I'm sorry - ask me if I care if you get in or not. Because I don't. Nope, not one bit.

Instead of telling her boyfriend that he's an asshole, D.G. remained tightlipped - as usual - and told me, not asked me, to text her the girl's number. I said I would and she said, "Okay, bye."

"You're welcome, by the way," I screamed into the phone as I hung it up.

Will it ever end???

Note: Seeing as how I've spent extended periods of time with the real-life diablo, I can describe hell in explicit detail to you sinners. You will never steal salt and pepper shakers from a restaurant ever again. Promise.


badmammajamma said...

Crikey!!!! Both of those assholes need a good ole hot sauce enema. You should use your publishing contacts to find some liquefied salmonella virus and slip it into their food. I don't know why you'd be able to find salmonella virus, but whatever. If that doesn't pan out, just write "I Hate You" on their bathroom mirror with your own feces. But, wear a glove. We wouldn't want you to be unsanitary.

Chad said...

I've always wanted to climb a fire escape. It's like having an extra porch that connects you to cool neighbors.

Ben said...

I've got 5 words for you---6 if you want to count the contraction:

"It's not my problem anymore. -click-"

This is how I suggest you resolve any further conflicts with the Diablo, or his Succubus.