Thursday, March 02, 2006

Niche Psychosis

There is only one rational explanation for the fact that people are really pissed at me lately. But, since I don't do the whole rational thing very well, I've dismissed that option in lieu of its more paranormal next of kin:

- The cosmos are seriously misaligned this month.
- I'm suddenly reaping what I sewed a few lives back.
- I am putting out some evil vibe that's getting boomeranged right back at me with sonic speed.
- Someone's got a pretty accurately crafted voodoo doll of me at their desk. It is poked often.

Truth be told, if any of my friends are ever to have this many people pissed off at them at one time, my first reaction is not sympathy. Instead, I ask 'em what the hell they did to piss everyone off? So, I tried the same tactic on myself and...nothin'. I did nothin'.

Well, maybe I did something, but nothing deservant of hatred and threats.

Here's the deal. One of my comedian friends runs a blog, which began as an Online Petition Requesting that Jennifer Love Hewitt Pose for Playboy
. It has since evolved into a basic, fake celebrity, Open-Letters type blog, that still pays homage to Ms. Hewitt when relevant data is available. To describe the blog in two adjectives: innocent and hysterical.

Coincidentally, one of Cesar's friends in L.A. sent him a picture of herself with Jennifer Love Hewitt. I knew my friend would love to post the picture (where Hewitt is actually holding a dog), so I asked Cesar for permission to send it his way. He gave me the thumbs up and couldn't wait until the new post came out so that he could send it over to his supposedly good-humored L.A. connection.

Long story short, my comedian friend posted the pic alongside a compelling argument that Hewitt should pose for Playboy -- if not for her fans, then for the little doggies of the world. Cesar forwarded the post to his friend and she went nuts, writing threatening emails to Cesar, my comedian friend, and to me. For the sake of brevity, I'm just posting the one I received (it probably being least harsh of the bunch):


This is L***-- cesar's friend. i have to ask you to ask your friend to remove the photo of my dog and i from that blog page, which you are credited as providing*. it was taken by a [name of a L.A. based magazine] staff photographer. i will personally have some explaining to do, and i am sure legal will become involved if it gets around.

on a personal note, i'm actually kind of insulted you would pass it on to someone for this kind of thing before checking. i appreciate a good joke... but this is just kinda lame.


My intial reactions were thus:

- Your magazine has staff photographers? Wow, must be nice. We used to use students.

- In the grand scheme of things, L***, nobody knows or cares who you are, so don't worry about it. It's not that deep.

- Live a little. Laugh. Calm down.

- Did you just call my friend's blog lame? Psycho.

- If you snort your Prozac, it will react a lot quicker than downing it with, say, water and a meal.

I wrote back to Cesar, "Your friend's a bitch. I thought I was psychotic. At least my psychosis is centralized (meaning it only affects one area of my life: dating). Hers is all over the damn place."

While I realize this is no compliment to myself, I did conclude two things:

A). There are people out there who are way more psychotic than I am.
B). I just coined a new psychosociological term: Niche Psychosis.

That said, I am available for interviews, quotes and licensing deals.

*My friend credited me for contributing the picture. Big deal.