Friday, March 10, 2006

Boyfriend Exit Interviews

I received an email with the subject line: "Hey Bro, I found the coolest site..."

When I opened it, it was no more than one of those incognito flea markets of cheap viagra, penis enlargement pills, and some other girth-enhancement, hair growth, sexual substances for which I'm not currently in the market.

However, I've always thought it would be funny to forward one of these emails to a few of my ex-boyfriends with a little note; something along the lines of, "Hey M - I saw this and it immediately reminded me of you. Fancy that! So, how's life? Kisses."

But, I figure that if I do that I won't be able to get them to fill out my new ex-boyfriend exit interview. That's right. I've come up with the dating equivalent of the corporate exit interview. Well-run businesses and organizations conduct interviews with their employees when they leave the company. Essentially it's to find out how they can improve the environment for future employees, but it's too a way to find out the dirt on some of the current employees; namely management or other higher-ups.

Anyway, my boyfriend exit interview will provide similar insight. General questions such as:

Why are you leaving?
What would have made the 'working' environment more desirable?
What suggestions do you have for the person who fills your position? In terms of increasing longevity therein?
Was their a single, isolated incident that prompted the final decision? Or was this something that built up over time?
How long have you been thinking about leaving?
Had you been looking for other 'positions' while 'on the clock'?
What can this company do to ensure the happiness of future employees?

The survey would be much longer than this, of course. There would be essay questions, mulitiple-choicers, fill-in-the-blanks, etc...

The way I see it, I have so many exes that I could actually compile the information, create a database and dub it "proprietary research" in attempt to market it to self-help authors everywhere.

Really. I think the best way to pull this off is to get an account with survey monkey and send the link to all my exes. That way it will be anonymous and they will give me their most honest answers. Maybe.

Stay tuned. I really might go through with this one. It seems like it might even be lucrative. And, not that I have a bunch of free time on my hands -- wink, wink-- it might give me something to do.

Please note: This idea has been patented, trademarked, copywritten, stamped with a very pretty little wax symbol and sent to myself in a package that has yet to be opened (a poor artists' trick I picked up along the way)... So, hands off!