Okay, I'm telling you my new line for when you're man is misbehaving like D was the other day.
I should mention that D and I get along great and don't usually argue. Also, I'm not self-righteous enough to use this line regularly, but on occasion, a man is entitled to a proper status report.
Now that the disclaimers are out of the way, here's a brief background clip.
I mentioned before that D is the friend of a guy I dated 4 years ago. Well, we haven't told my ex yet and the other day I was thinking that, hell, maybe we should go ahead and take care of that. D didn't want to though because he's the one who will have to handle damage control. Both he and my ex live in Chicago and my ex is not at all understanding about these things. He's extremely conservative, etc... Plus, D is friends with all of my ex's brothers, who are similarly stubborn and hardheaded. They are a different kind of people, to say the least.
Well, when the subject came up, I was PMS'n, which I do very well, and I refused to drop the topic. D argued that he didn't want to say anything yet because of the above. We went back and forth--me bitching because it won't make it any better if we wait a year. D bitching because he's the one who's going to have to deal with it.
Then came the line:
"Do you want me to strap on some balls and be the man in this relationship? Because I will."
D was furious. I thought I'd kick him while he was down and throw in a little: "You act so macho, but you can't even take care of this. Literally, where are my strap-on balls?"
I calmed down after this, because really, I'm not ready to lose my ex's friendship. I actually even feel bad about this situation - not because it's necessarily wrong, but because it would hurt him.
But, all of that is gushy and besides the point. The point is this: Every time D opens up his mouth and spews out the wrong comment, I just ask him where my balls are. He shuts up pretty quick. I really suggest you try it out, or, if you're a guy, don't provoke its removal from the arsenal.