It occurred to me the other day, while watching The Simple Life, that if Paris Hilton has a bevy of impersonators, it will be any day now that there will be fake Gigis walking around Manhattan. They will attempt to mimic my imitable style and regurgitate my uncanny wit. This is not something that I want, but neither is it something I can control. What I can control, however, are the details. If you are one of these pending imposters, please take note of the following list. I’d hate for you to spoil my good name by not knowing these key rules:
-Always look to the ground when you walk down the street, making eye contact with no one (else, they might assume you are open to conversation - you're not)
-Upon receiving someone’s negative opinion in regards to your dress, attitude or personality, make sure they know that you’ve gone 26 years without said opinion and you’re doing just fine.
-If someone judges your eccentricities, respond with, “No one ever got anywhere being mediocre.” Follow this with a direct stare to indicate the speakers’ own mediocrity.
-If you are involved in a group discussion, make sure that you disagree with the majority consensus. Even if you really do agree with it, pose an argument so as to not appear a follower.
-Make your enemies your best friends.
-Don’t pick up phone calls. Even if you’re available, you must let the call go to voicemail and then call right back.
-Don't shy away from compliments, and don't feel the need to return a compliment just because one is given to you.
-When you go to a club and see that there’s a line, enter said club and proclaim, “I don’t know why the bouncers are making people wait in line. It’s clearly not to keep out the riff-raff. I mean, look at this crowd.”
-When someone asks you to do a favor, give them the impression that you are really going out on a limb to help them. This way they might reconsider asking you to do favors in the future.
-Never show anyone that you are impressed with them or their accomplishments.
-Always make people think you’re busier than you are.
-Guys love a good chase. Wait around for a month before actually going out with them. Trust me, they’re not going anywhere.
-When at a bar or other public setting, don’t look around. Stay focused on those you came with.
-When ordering a Sapphire dirty martini (this is what you drink), always ask the bartender if he has blue cheese stuffed olives. When he says ‘no,’ rephrase: “You have olives, right? You have blue cheese, right? Well then.”
-What you eat:
Breakfast: Eggs benedict with Lox.
Lunch: Arugala salad with brie cheese, tomatoes, olive oil and kosher salt.
Dinner: Beef fried rice, with mushrooms, tomatoes, onions and a Sapphire dirty martini
-Always alter your orders when at a restaurant
-Upon going to a restaurant and seeing iodized salt on the table, educate your guest on the fact that iodized salt masks the flavor of the food with a “salt” taste, whereas kosher salt brings out the food’s flavors. Then, make it obvious that you are somehow “giving in” or doing your guest a favor by dining at such a lowbrow establishment.
-Don’t apologize, you are never wrong. Whatever you did is justified. You meant to do it.
-You despise construction workers and scumbags who stand on the street with nothing better to do than hit on you.
While one can not duplicate all of that which makes me grand, one can at least do her best when trying.