Monday, July 24, 2006

Poor, Poor Souls Who Make-Out with Strangers on Airplanes

I've heard about it before and it actually seemed kind of hot, but no, not this. This was so not hot.

My airplane was one of those 3-row international ones. When I walked up to my row, I noticed a girl sitting with a guy who I thought was her boyfriend. A few minutes later I heard her introduce herself to him and was immediately annoyed because I could tell they were going to talk for the next 5 hours. Both were relatively heinous and extremely boring. She was 23 and worked for Sephora. He was 24 and did construction. Her voice was a high-pitched shrill that sent proverbial shivers down my spine. He had a southern twang that did the same.

It was no wonder that he offered to buy her 2 cocktails. It was the only way he would be able to stand the torture. Unfortunately for all involved, she started speaking even more after just a few sips.

The worst part of their conversation was her philosophical views on love and relationships:
"I don't believe in love at first site, only lust at first site."

How utterly profound. Not at all something you would find in a self-help guide...

Or maybe it was the part where she was bragging about how "some guys I didn't know invited me to a Hip Hop club in the Bronx."

Yes, darling - you are quite the commodity. That's quite the invite.

I was so disgusted that I had to stop pretending to read in effort to pretend to sleep. I say 'pretend' because there is no way one can sleep when oh-girl with the dog whistle voice is screeching at 135 mph.

Three hours into her lecture about why her friends are so immature and she's so enlightened, I see them holding hands (not lying). Then she has her blanket over her and is lying on his lap (swear). Finally they are making out and his hand is rustling under the shitty felt airplane blanket (seriously). About a half hour before we landed, she is having "the talk" with him (If I didn't see it, I wouldn't believe it either):

"This is so weird." (She said this no less than 18 times. He didn't seem to care).

"It's weird because I don't normally do this." (Famous last words of a whore. He wasn't convinced.)

"It's weird for two reasons though."

He never inquired what the second reason was, but she's not that deep. Let me fill in what she wanted to say:

"It's weird because I don't usually believe in love at first site (just lust at first site. Duh), but now I do."

I hate her.

Their five-hour relationship culminated when he asked for her phone number (FYI: As he was putting it into his cell phone the stewardess barked at him for having it on. Hallelujah. That was my only moment of joy). The girl insisted in a whiny voice that, "I don't think you're going to call me."

Ah, poor baby. What happened to the super-confident and self-righteous girl that your inner-whorebag replaced, eh?

Her last sentence was the only one that contained a single ounce of truth or wisdom the entire flight.


Ben said...

He kissed her so she'd shut up. I know I would.

Gigi said...

Hell, even I would've kissed her if that's all it took.

T. said...

"It's weird because I don't usually believe in love at first site (just lust at first site. Duh), but now I do."

How did you resist throat-punching her after that comment?

Gigi said...

And I forgot to mention that when I was pretending to sleep I heard her say to him, "I think she's sleeping." Look bitch, don't bring me into this. This is between y'all.

I was so disgusted.

Throat punching is a wise decision. One of those things you think about afterwards, but wish you had thought of at the moment at hand. Who am I kidding? This is exactly what I was thinking about. I was just too wimpy to do it.

Slinky Redfoot said...

I had a liasion once on the plane - after a few drinks we kind of fell asleep on each other and woke up smooching. It was kinda gross and made me feel icky after, like the make-out equivilant of airplane food.

T. said...

"Who am I kidding? This is exactly what I was thinking about. I was just too wimpy to do it."

Actually you can't do it right then and there because you're on a freaking place. Where are you gonna run? Didn't think about that. But if you ever recognize her on a dark, deserted street...BAM!

team gingerbread said...

That's absolutely horrid. I have to endure 'bus romances' on my morning commute to work. All I really want to say is:

"Bitch! I know I reek of booze and I was wearing the exact same thing last night when you last saw me, but at least I don't have my hand down some veritable strangers' pants on public transit. How about a little decorum?"

T. said...

Oops, "place" should have been "plane." Even worse is that "c" and "n" are nowhere near each other.

Gigi said...

No worries, T. Shit happens.

My cardinal sin is mixing up "sware" and "swear." I've just stopped caring.