Thursday, July 27, 2006

I Blame it on Puerto Rico.

(Explained below)

Ever since moving to NYC I’ve hosted an inner argument with myself concerning the disgusting guys who holler at women on the street. They’re not just disgusting because they holler, they’re disgusting by nature and they holler on top of it. This is not a 'chicken or the egg' situation; nor is it an 'either/or' scenario. It’s disgusting squared, and I am lucky enough to encounter it daily. It has become such a problem that I don’t leave my office unless I absolutely have to.

The above diagram is a depiction of what happens when I do leave. I imagine this is probably relevant to most females who work in Manhattan. In case you can't read the bubbles, they just indicate me wondering if I should shoot myself, then the doorman proposing to me as I leave the building, followed by a bunch of lowlife's spouting their half-assed pickup lines and a guy begging for money as I escape into the subway.

I come up with a new solution to this problem every morning:

  • I'll write to the construction company and tell them how disturbing their employees are!

  • I'll make a recorded compilation of every singly holler I get and send it to morning NEWS shows!

  • I'm going to yell at the next guy who says something! (I actually told some guy to "Fuck off" the other morning and he laughed in my face. Evidently I'm amusing)
  • Seeing as how one must know the root of the problem before finding a solution, I gave up. That is, until today. For today I found the root of the problem: Puerto Rico. According to ThoseAreMyPants, Puerto Rican women liked to be hollered at:

    "What do you have to do to land a beautiful Puerto Rican woman? You have got to holler! Holler, holler, holler, holler, Holler!

    Last Friday was beautiful. If you had two sexy legs, a killer ass and a nice full body, you got hollered at. "What's up Girl? How are you? Where you heading? What's going on? Let me get your number..."

    Holy shit! Sound familiar? Why yes it does... It's what I hear every morning. This form of communication is the Puerto Rican pick-up protocol. I imagine that there are several other countries who engage in this mating game of "call and response," but for my purposes, I'll just pack all the blame into Puerto Rico. Seeing this method's relative effectiveness in the homeland, the scumbags from Puerto Rico adopt it, immigrate to the mainland and employ it here.

    I told the Skeeze my new theory and he said the women in Puerto Rico probably don't like the whole hollering phenomenon either.

    I argued that someone must like it because it's being perpetuated. "Hollering," just like any other mating ritual, is confined to the rules of evolution. If it didn't work, it would be selected against. Clearly someone likes it.

    It's also a case of supply and demand. If women weren't demanding this treatment, scumbags wouldn't be supplying it. Economics 101, my dear Skeeze.

    So what's my solution? It might be as simple as banning immigration from Puerto Rico. Then again, there are a couple of minor hoops we'd have to jump through to pull that off. Since that's the case, the only real solution is to educate! Yes, we'll educate all of the women of the world not to respond to catcalls. No matter how ugly, desperate or pathetic you are, DO NOT RESPOND. This is the only way we can ensure that hollering is not fit enough to endure natural selection's wrath. You got it, all you junior Darwinists out there? Great. Let's get started.

    And yes, I'm totally serious.


    Anonymous said...

    It's poor impulse control, plain and simple. They see something they like, they drool, they dump their half-witted responses on you. They can't help themselves.

    So unless you can get them into a treatment program....

    Ben said...