"Based on your previous purchases in Apparel, we thought you might be interested in our huge selection of Crocs at great prices. Find a style that fits your personality. So comfortable and hip, get your own pair today.
"Nothing is hotter than Crocs. Look and feel cool in these versatile shoes. Discover men's, women's, and children's styles."
There are so many things essentially wrong with this email.
A) My previous purchases with Amazon were Salman Rushdie's, The Satanic Verses, and, of course, The Devil Wears Prada, neither of which screams, "This bitch could use a good pair of Crocs."
B). "Huge Selection". I might be wrong, but there is only one shoe here. It is just available in every color known to man in case Rainbow Brite happens to dig the style. Potential cartoon product placement? Hmmm?
C). "Find a Style that Fits Your Personality." Like I said, there's only one style. Unless, of course, you consider the "no-hole" option a new breed of Croc; a mutant specie of the shoe. Oh wait, there is another: the slingback species... Very edgy! To find a shoe that supplements your personality type, here are the three "different" strains of Croc in their colorful glory:
But most of all, you're an individual...
D). "Hip". This word is so great. It's what my grandma uses when she's trying to give me her old clothing: "You know, Gigi, these are back in style again. All the youngsters are wearing 'em. They're very hip."
I shit you not.
E). "Discover Men's, Women's and Children's Styles." Need I?
The scariest thing about this email -- I mean, scarier than the fact that I received it -- is that I had just been reading Logged Hours where Kate mentioned the heinous shoe in passing. From there, I headed over to my email and, voila!, this was in my inbox. I think Amazon is simply stalking me ... which, oddly, is a more comforting thought than thinking that someone would assume I liked these evolutionary unfit shoes.