Everyday at the office should be similar to the one I had yesterday. One of our clients was in from out of town, so I took him out for drinks down the street.
As soon as I heard him order a Sapphire and tonic, I knew this was a no holds-barred event. I ordered my Sapphire dirty and he proceeded to tell me how disgusting it is to watch a woman give birth. “You watched?!” I queried. “You’re not supposed to watch! You should have just stayed up at her head.” He agreed, “Yeah, she thought I’d never want to have sex with her again after watching that, but she’s pregnant with our second, so there goes that theory.”
Over drink two we discussed the national health programs in Finland, Sweden and England.
Over drink three we talked about paper production and Greenpeace.
Over drink four we discussed renting the bar out for a night and bringing in a d.j.
Over drink five we actually proposed this idea to the owner and threw out a round number ($2,000) as a prospective bar fee.
I went to the bathroom at this point and demanded he order me no more drinks.
Over drink six I decided to email a few people back so as not to feel guilty for drinking on the job. Here’s an example email:
“Hi Kay, I’m soooo sorry. I’ll email her shortly. At a meeting that’s running over a lot. The cup runneth over? Yes, something like that. Whoa... Talk to you soon!”
What can I say? I’m a professional.
At this point, it was already past 6 p.m. (it was a three hour meeting - and really, we did cover a lot of ground). I decided it was definitely a good idea to go back into the office to get some more work done. Here I ran into my boss who was interested in hearing about my meeting. I tried to speak clearly, but it only took her a few words to figure out that, "You're buzzed."
"It's all his fault," I said, properly blaming it on someone who was not present to defend himself.
Fortunately, my boss didn't seem to care too much. She left. The receptionist was still here, however, so she was privy to me telling her who in the office likes to poop a lot. I'm not kidding.
Then my phone rang. It was the client who I had just left, telling me that he thinks we are kindred spirits.
On my way home, I met up with the Skeeze, made fun of a few people on the train, wondered aloud why Oprah needs to grace every single one of her magazine covers and explained to the Skeeze how you know you've had a successful meeting when you get the 'Kindred Spirits' call.
"I mean, you have received the 'Kindred Spirits' call, haven't you?!"
He hadn't. He is clearly not as effective and slick as me. And, by 'slick' I mean blubbering at the mouth, drunk emailing people, talking about your colleagues' bowel movements and stealing seats on the train.