My New Song

The [abridged] story that led to my momentary break-up and new song:

Dave has a problem talking to his ex-girlfriend. Now, it wouldn’t be a problem with me if he talked to her, but it quickly became a problem when he started lying about it. And lied, and lied, and lied... Suspicious? Yes, very.

My friends keep telling me that since I’ve decided to take him back on the basis that I believe that he didn’t cheat on me, I have to drop the subject. I'm sorry, I think you guys have mistaken me for someone a little bit more mature. Come now.

Kerrie (that’s the ex’s name) used to call non-stop at the beginning of our relationship, but he explained that they were just friends and that she always keeps in contact with her exes. It was annoying but I got over it considering I keep in touch with some of my ex-boyfriends.

Fast forward to three weeks ago. He lied when I heard a voicemail that was obviously from her. He said it was his mother. I reminded him that his mother has an extremely thick Russian accent and is 65-years old. The girl on his voicemail, however, had a Shaumburg, Illinois accent and was approximately 30.

His story, which came out after I saw a text message from her, was that he hadn’t talked to her for a while, until one day she called to report that she had tried to commit suicide and was in treatment.

The first and most obvious question was easily: “How the hell does a 30 year old ‘try’ to commit suicide and fail?”

I mean, suicide failure is for high school amateurs. She should know better than that. Slit your wrist long ways, not horizontally. Mix a bunch of pills, not just one type. Resist coming up for air in the pool. Will power, will power, will power! So, in her clear attempt to gain the world’s attention, she ended up gaining that of my boyfriend. Yayy for me. It was the failed suicide attempt that launched three months of phone calls and my song.

The song is to the tune of Nelly Furtado’s song, “Say it Right,” which is unfortunately what callers hear when they call Kerrie's phone.

So the song starts out as I’m pretending to call Kerrie’s phone:

Listen to my song
I’m so happy
It really says a lot about me

I tried to commit suicide
And I failed
I just wanted attention

But now I’m happy
As indicated by the song on my phone
This song really defines me

Chorus:
Oh you don't mean nothing at all to me
No you don't mean nothing at all to me
Do you got what it takes to set me free

Yes, I agree. This is very sick. Sorry-ish.

For whatever reason, writing this out [the story, not the song] really makes me pissed off again. My mom brought up a valid point: If he can lie to friends he’s known all of his life, he can lie to you.* And that he did.

*I used to date his friend’s brother. Of all of his friends, this is the one who still doesn’t know. It was cute and valid for the first month or so. It's been 15 months. Add that to the list of things that piss me off about him.