Oh yeah, I´m out of town.

We took a nap here with a stray dog last night

In answer to:

``Where is GUnit? No blog in over a week, everything okay? Are you on somefancy deserted island w/D and can't get online? I bet that feels nice...ifso:). Anyway, just droppin a sista a line. So here it is______________________________. ``

I´m drunk somewhere in Brazil along with everyone else I know.

I thought I was all cool and exotic until I realized that a bunch of people were down in various parts of South America this week. Some chick from my office is in Argentina, Not Chosen is somewhere down here, my parents are cruising around, some blonde guys from the states were on the bus with us, probably a bunch of other people...

There are quite a few problems with Brazil. For one (and this is a big problem), Smirnoff is the national vodka. Or, as Dave would say, ``Brazil needs a serious vodka face lift.`` He would know being Russian and all. The alternative is sometimes Absolut, which isn´t much of an improvement.

Another problem is that the girls here are seriously over-rated. Brazil must have a great marketing program. I´ll have to expand upon that later though because I´m drunk. Do I think that I´m cool because I´m drunk? Maybe just a bit. The alternative is being sober at work and, well, yes, I think I´m damn cool. So, there.

We´ve heard a lot of propaganda about Brazil being one of the next economic hotspots. I don´t buy it. This is my second time here and I don´t think these people are capable (or intrigued by the idea either).

I´m sunburned and the guy at the computer next to me is picking his nose. A lot more to report when I get back.

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Okay, this is not a pop quiz. I've underlined exactly what's wrong with this picture, starting with the fact that I've sunken so low as to order jeans from Abercrombie and finishing with the fact that the "Fedex Next Day" I paid an extra $18.95 for necessitates a possible 2-3 business days. That's right, folks, next day = 2 to 3 business days, lest you become confused by the word "next" which is on all other occasions a synonym for "following."

Dave Has Finally Succumbed

The phone call that every insane girl with a long distance boyfriend living in Chicago while she dwells in New York, for some reason, wants to receive on a Saturday night:

Dave: Hi babe, where have you been?
Me: I missed your call. I was on the train. Where are you?
Dave: I'm at Dave's birthday party.
Me: How does it feel to share a name with someone?* Are you having fun?
Dave: No. You're not here.
Me: Good answer. What are you guys doing?
Dave: Drinking beer and watching TV.
Me: You're getting old.
Dave: Yeah, I think that's what it is. I'm always tired too.
Me: Good - you're only allowed to have fun when I'm around.
Dave: What are you doing?
Me: Reading a book.

*I don't share a name with many people. There's an Icelandic writer with my name; an 85 year old lady who works at a movie theater in Del Mar, CA and some Australian lady who's on some show I hadn't heard of until stumbling upon its title during one of my routine self-googling sessions.

Your Computer Isn't Worth $2,000 and This is How I Know:

A bargain at...

• It weighs 600 pounds
  


• It's width/height are equivalent to a yellow/white pages combo, although its storage space pales in comparison
  


• Norton Antivirus: Go Away!
  


• The newest, "hi-tech" accompanying software is a MS Office 2000 c.d.
  


• "And here's this little card you put in the side if you want to go wireless"
  

A 1953 PC that you purchased for the bargain price of $2000 when the baby boom was at its prime--sucker--is not still worth, ummm, $2,000. Please resist all further sales pitches in my presence.

"Too Posh to Push"

This is what my English client calls the trend that is English women opting a C-section over giving birth the old-fashioned way. "Too posh to push." I love it.

Things You Think About But Never Do

The other day I was waiting in line for a treadmill at the gym. Waiting in line pretty much sucks and is usually a legitimate enough excuse for me to leave based on the ever popular excuse, "my time is too valuable (cough, cough)." In laymen's terms: "I'm lazy and could use a drink. Plus, this could take hours."

Of course, I'm fully aware that it will really only be two minutes max. So, seeing as how my thighs and ass are curdling as of late, I decided to wait it out.

It was 7:00, which means it was primetime and treadmill use is limited to a half hour. This is a great time for me to go because even if I "want" to do 40 minutes, it's illegal. This brings me to my point.

Whenever I'm waiting in line at this time, I always notice these tricky bastards who put their towels over the timer, so you can't call them out on going over their 30-minute limit. I spied two out and gave them an evil glare, just knowing they were probably approaching an hour under those towels. I don't have it in me to go up and pull up their towels, but wouldn't it be funny? I think so. At this point, someone got off the treadmill and I hopped on--ultimately forgetting about these evil, good for nothin' time-rapists.

A few minutes later, I notice some guy going around pulling up people's towels and checking their times. Could it be? It was.

While my immediate reaction was that he was a dickhead, my second and correct reaction was that he had the biggest balls in the place. He smacked them in some guy's face and got his treadmill. There's something to be said about big balls. Oh yeah, and being proactive and all that too.

Oh yeah, I moved to Astoria

Now I live in Astoria.

How is it?

Well, I'm posting on a Friday night.

I say this as if it were different when I was living in Manhattan. I'm a homebody and staying in on a Friday night is pretty much my M.O. (even though my friend just invited me to the KFed cd release party - I wish I wasn't such a loser, I'd go just to observe). But back to me being lazy: Especially lately. I've been way too busy at work. So busy in fact that I haven't even officially realized that I moved yet. I just kinda sleep at a new place now and save $700 month. "Sleep" is the operative word here. I don't think I had one single night of good sleep in Manhattan thanks to firetrucks, drunks on the street yelling crap they inevitably regret the next day and random weekend morning parades.

The tradeoff is that Queens is really ugly. It's stuck in the eighties, identity crisis style. But, just like cruising around with an ugly friend will often do, having this place as my background makes me look a whole hell of a lot sexier. This is a fact not to be overlooked.

My new place is actually pretty cool. I now live with the Skeeze and a Brazilian girl. She doesn't speak English so we just sit around and stare at eachother. Well, that's not exactly true either. She speaks Portuguese, which I oddly understand a bit of. I respond in my broken Spanish and then we both stare at the Skeeze who translates what we didn't get. In other words, I ignore her at all costs. Small talk is not my specialty. Especially small talk in Portuguese.

The commute's about 10 minutes longer and the train usually skips my stop just for the hell of it. I hear there are great restaurants here and I'm excited to explore. My grandma and grandpa used to live in Queens and met at Queens college. I really dig them so it's kind of cool that I get to have this "experience."

Besides that, whatever. It's 10:30 and way past my bed time.

Little Red Exclamation Points

I'm pretty sure that whatever the subject of your email - however "important" your message is - it does not constitute one of these: !

You see, to me this ! means that a family member died and/or you actually have something of an urgent nature to tell me. On that note, the fact that you're leaving the office early today [you're a slacker] or your office has a new address does not qualify as urgent, and definitely does not necessitate a !

Thank you.