Monday, March 12, 2007

Conspiracy Theories

Regarding Paulo C's Cousin:
The Skeeze posed a very interesting/important question about Paulo C’s cousin’s undeniable reek this morning on the subway:

“Is there some kind of device that could measure the aura of Paulo C’s cousin’s smell?”

“Yeah, your nose.”

“No, I mean something that would turn it purple so that we could see it coming from a mile away.”

“Oh, like that stuff that you put into a pool so that you can see when someone pees?"


"She really does smell. We can keep the windows open now that it’s getting warm outside.”

“Yes, but it’s pretty amazing how fast she can wipe out clean air. Seconds, I say!”

“What incredible powers she has. She’s basically a Superhero... The Incredible Stink!”

“Or like Pigpen, that little dirty character on Charlie Brown.”

“Oh, that’s good. Pigpen plus the Tasmanian devil cartoon guy. She swirls around and induces fear in everyone with an olfactory system.”



Considering the gravity of this conversation, one might deduce that our weekend was not very eventful.

Regarding My New Stalker from Monaco:
My new stalker (who is an ex-summer fling) called me a good 17 times. He then followed up to let me know that I’m the best telephone screener he knows. I can imagine he knows quite a few.

Regarding Dave:
Dave has turned me into quite the psycho, which I find hilarious because I pride myself on being the "cool girlfriend."

Not only did I break up with Dave, take him back, break up with him, take him back and then decide I was moving to Chicago*, I've come up with some theories.

Theory #1: Dave is talking to his ex-girlfriend on his land line, rather than his cellphone.
Theory #2: If I do, in fact, move there, Dave will be happy letting me sit around bored on the weekend while he goes out with his friends (and, of course, his ex)
Theory #3: Since Dave hasn't told his friend that we're together, he is effectively single when they go out. He hooks up with other chicks.

Like I said, I've gone nuts. Do I actually believe any of the above? Absolutely. The worst part of it all is that I know I've gone mad.

*As of today, I’m still moving to Chicago. Tomorrow is a totally different story though.


Mikeachim said...

Hell, no. You've gone cooler.
(That's 'cool' plus 'er').
It also sounds like you're preparing to write a book.
Or possibly have your own semi-atobiographical TV series. On HBO.
Also, going nuts is nature's way of staying sane. If that doesn't make sense, then we're both nuts and ultimately both doomed.....

Mikeachim said...

In an ideal world, I'd be able two spel, or at least avoid making embarissing gramattickal errers.
But it seams I cant.

s. p. stanley said...

Geez. He's willing to move to NY to be with you (if he gets a job there (yeah, I try to keep up)), but he won't tell his friends he's going out with you? Something is definitely off there. Sounds like he's on the fence.

Gigi said...

Trust me, I'm the last person on earth to notice grammatical slash spelling errors. I could give a fuck, really. Same with my reader(s). Half of them followed me from, where I had a very short-lived column. We're not the classiest bunch.

As for HBO, they've been knocking at my door for a while now but I'm holding off. Psyche. I'm writing a book. I'll keep you updated on that if there are any updates to give. Thanks for the lovely comment. I feel cooler (that's 'cool' plus 'er') already.

Gigi said...

S.P.: Not that I'm one to defend Dave on this one, but all of his friends know except one (my ex's brother). That one, of course, is worthy of several arguments. If anyone's on the fence, it would be me (or so I like to think).

Anonymous said...

Hummm...will you still be living together in Chicago? I was so looking forward to watching Dave eat that sandwich! Girls are not supposed to think (that is why so many of them are Jessica Simpson clones), it only makes us crazy, LOL!


Anonymous said...

You already know what you want/need to do. I wise friend of mine once said:

"Advice is what you look for whe you already know the answer."


Anonymous said...

Okay, Dad is totally reading this blog now! (see post above)

Gigi said...

Ha! That's my friend, CW, not dad. He's mad at me right now. CW-will you forgive me?

Anonymous said...

Of course darlin'. I always forgive but I never forget ;-)