Thursday, October 18, 2007

The Skeeze is Engaged. My Thoughts on Marriage & Weddings

The Skeeze has wanted to ask his girlfriend to marry him for a while now. He's been plotting his approach (ring hidden in book like a revolver in a Bible); the timing (October); the place (the only decent restaurant in Grenada, where she lives); all that. The Skeeze is going to be a family man.

I don't know what Skeeze's plans are for a wedding, but I can't stand the thought of the traditional ceremony. My reasons for not wanting to have a wedding might not be those typically responsible for making people detest the thought of marriage. I don't mind the commitment; I don't have "commitment issues" (I really hate when chicks say this, by the way. "I have commitment issues, bla." Please shut up. You're just insecure and afraid he's not interested in you. Chances are, you're right.) I don't mind being with one guy the rest of my life. The peen is the peen, ya know? And, I don't fear getting bored. Mostly because boredom is inevitable. I just want to find a cool person to get bored with (Oh, even more than I hate when people say they have commitment issues, I really hate when people say, "Well, just find someone who doesn't bore you." This is usually followed by, "find someone who's active," as if hiking and bike riding are going to cure eternal boredom. I mean, I love french fries with cheese, gravy and ranch smothered all over them, but if I ate them every day, I'd get sick of them. Same thing.)

[Note: I have to strategically place Dave's name in every post now. He skims these things for his name. If he doesn't see it, he doesn't read. Totally sounds like something I would do.]

All of that said, the reason why I don't want to get married is because I think the dresses are ugly and weddings are annoying. They take too long to plan. They stress people out. Your guests don't really want to be there. And, they're greedy affairs ("Look at me in my funny-lookin' dress." "Take pictures of me with the disposable camera I've put on the table in order to bypass hiring a professional photographer." "Buy me presents at this website." "Travel across the country, take days off work, get a hotel room AND pay $200 for a seafoam green satin dress that you're never going to wear again.") I have a new policy: I don't go to weddings. Please don't invite me. I don't want to be in your wedding party.

Of course, I've grandfathered Skeeze's wedding in. I'll be in attendance. I kind of have to; I'm his best man. If I ever have a wedding (and I won't), the Skeeze will be my maid of honor.

Enough about that, though. I'm in New Orleans right now. It's 3 am and for some reason I decided to make coffee. Even more, I drank it. Now I'm half delirious, half wired, sitting in my room listening to that Lipton/Actor's Studio guy talk about having sex with Barbara Walters on Conan. If there are any two people in the world who I don't want to imagine having sex, it's them. Together. I really need to get out more. [Dave]

[Why is it that hotel rooms don't automatically come with toothbrushes? This place has a "shoe mitt" but no toothbrush. Hmmm...]

I've never been here before and at first glance, this city is great. I can't wait to take it for a test run tomorrow. I'm a little ashamed that this is my first time here. [Dave bla, bla, bla] My new travel policy is US cities only. At least for this year. I keep traveling out of the country, hoping I'm going to have an amazing time, but no. I always run into some kind of roadblock. Language barriers. Transportation annoyances. The global trend of American hatred. The dollar's dwindling status. All of that. Maybe I'm doing it wrong.

When Dave and I were in Rio last year, we wondered why we traveled 10 hours to go to the beach (with bad food) when we could have just gone to Miami. Brazil's beautiful but San Diego and Laguna Beach have spots that put it to shame. You get the point. I might even be rationalizing about something. So complicated. Strategic Dave placement.

7 comments:

Phillip McCracken said...

weddings are dogshit, i was forced to go to one recently....200 bucks for a suit, 200 bucks as a check for a wedding gift, car rental, 4 days in a hotel, bla bla bla, etc, for someone in my family im not all together close to, i think i got invite #175 out of 200?

add to the fact that the bride had TWO bridal showers, and, they are useing the money for a "house" when they already OWN 3 apartments.

well, it was ludicris.

you hit it spot on when you said, chances are that most of your guests DONT want to be there...with the exception of the bridal parties, and the parents, no one really DOES want to be there.

and i kinda disagree with the doing the same thing everyday would get boring, i mean, id LOVE to, er, "eat out" everyday, and, i cant see that EVER getting boring...

and Lipton had sex with Barbara Walters? wow, thats really kinda odd...although given the option of seeing THAT sex tape or sitting through Kim kardashian and Ray J, i think ill take James and Babs.

www.sugarbeachweddings.com said...

Weddings are beautiful and a marriage or vow renewal on the beach is the best in Florida,look at Miami Weddings and Fort Lauderdale and West Palm Beach for great wedding locations on the beach in Fl www.sugarbeachweddings.com

Cherokee said...

Ah yes, I despise weddings.. thats why I had my first in a bar (knew the owners, we were broke, and they let us use it for free) and my second in a construction zone (won a radio contest for a free wedding so we didn't have to pay for crap...we just had to go by their theme.

~Cherokee
http://cherokeesworld.com

Candie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gigi said...

Who deleted Candie's comment?

Hi Cherokee!!! I've missed you.

And Phillip, welcome.

I'm so deliriously tired.

britney22 said...

I would like to know just from your site how many single people navigate here and how many of them are like me and wishing they were with someone, I am here as part of my search to find someone to give me some friendly advice this morning. I just wanted to know, has anyone heard of where can find local speed dating opportunities? I read about it on http://www.singlesinmotion.com, however I’m really wanting something right here in my own home town. I mean it sounds like a great way to actually meet people face to face rather than online, which NEVER turns out for me, ‘cause I’m too picky, I guess. Please post any success with speed dating events here for me if you can!

britney22 said...

All I can say is best wishes to the skeeze, at least someone is getting married, I am 32 and still single, do you know how depressing that is? Anyhow if anyone has some friendly advice this morning. I just wanted to know, has anyone heard of where can find local speed dating opportunities? I read about it on http://www.singlesinmotion.com, however I’m really wanting something right here in my own home town. I mean it sounds like a great way to actually meet people face to face rather than online, which NEVER turns out for me, ‘cause I’m too picky, I guess. Please post any success with speed dating events here for me if you can!